The Classic Porn

TheClassicPorn. It is said that some things never go out of style. Martini's, red lipstick, and lace underwear make that list, but it usually depends a lot on who you ask. What everyone can agree on, however, is vintage porn, and The Classic Porn's menu is just such sexual gold.

TheClassicPorn.com has been selling their products since 2006, which tells us that people love what they are sending out. Their catalog dates back to the 1960s, and their latest work from the 1990s is already decades old!

Timeless Beatoffs

TheClassicPorn is not a sleek, modern-looking site. No, this is even a vintage layout. It's not pretty by any means, but one has to assume that this is intentional. If I were to step out of my time machine to an unknown year, turn on my computer, and see this, I would think we are living in the 90's again. Hey, have you guys listened to Nirvana yet? Kurt Cobain is really going to blow up one day.

At the top of the screen, you will see "Today's Most Popular DVDs and Movies," just like on the shelves of a rental store. Think of the back room of a home video store, and the only thing missing at the entrance to TheClassicPorn is that swinging salon door.

What's in vogue now: a vintage anal sex film called "Ass Action" from 1995, "Hidden Desire" from 1990, which falls into the "face" category, and "Tarzan-X" from 1994 by Rocco Siffredi. There is also a 1994 Rocco Siffredi film called Shame of Jane.

If 90s porn isn't your thing, don't worry: the 1979 Turkish classic "Intikam Kadini," 1984's "Loves of Lolita," and the 1971 porn comedy "Swinging Wives" are all on the popular list today.

I checked out the trailer for "Swinging Wives" because you don't need to register or log in to watch the trailer. The trailer looks like a DIY project, with someone speeding through the entire film, stopping every now and then for a taste. The big hair and polka dots are ridiculous, the colors are 60's flamboyant, the film is rough around the edges, but there is a sexy, classic beauty here. It's time to take a closer look.

Much cheaper than the '87 DeLorean.

The cute banner on TheClassicPorn's landing page says the numbers. As of this writing, they have 8,332 DVDs/movies. There's even a picture of Steven Spielberg. There are 240 times as many movies directed by that slacker on this site. It also has nearly 12,000 photos and over 8,000 porn stars.

The last number on the banner indicates that membership costs $0.83 a day, or one-sixth the price of a Big Mac. This figure is not accurate. The regular price is about $35 per month, so it is about $10 more than that. Longer memberships actually break down to 66.6 cents a day, which would be more concerning if TheClassicPorn had fewer pieces to grip and make devil horns, but each girl here has a thick catalog.

At the top of the site is Brigitte Lahaie, a French prostitute born in 1955 who made porno films from 1977 to 1998 and starred in a whopping one film. That can't be right. Let's click on this number.

Digging Up Vintage Porn

Brigitte's filmography page lists her as having starred in 51 films as an actress. Actually, about 40 are listed, most of which can be found on TheClassicPorn, which is perfectly fine by me; only four are grayed out, but that's either because they've been lost over time or some idiot is hoarding the rights.

The problem I noticed earlier about TheClassicPorn is that the tags are not very good. Sometimes you have to read the synopsis or look at the pictures to see what the action is about, which seems old-fashioned, but I don't think this is intentional. Tagging means that someone has to watch the entire film and catalog its depravity.

The lack of tags is evident on the filmography page, and must be judged primarily by the title of the film: half of "Brigitte" is not in English, half of "Brigitte" is not in English, half of "Brigitte" is not in English, half of "Brigitte" Half of the "Bridget" is not in English. Only a few of the tags are there, leading me to a page labeled "Anal," "Facial," and "DP," Caballero Classics' 1979 sex film "Serviced with a Smile."

The Hottest Whores Who Ever Lived".

I thought the old flick would start a little slower, but no, Brigitte was on her knees in the kitchen within the first minute. It's easy to see why this girl's blowjobs are legendary. I wanted to shove mine in that beautiful face too.

I didn't like this flick much because it was divided into 8 parts and it was hard to find the specific one I was looking for. I wanted to skip the anal and DP, but watching one guy ride one guy while stroking the other two's cocks was nothing short of disappointing. I don't know why they separated the works, but I guess it's one of the quirks of digitizing older works.

While the specific sex tagging for each work may not be as good as some modern porn sites, it is fascinating to delve deeper into the history of pornography in each of the information columns. TheClassicPorn's DVD ripping and VHS dubbing includes a large amount of metadata on co-stars and categories as well as directors. Click on a name to see much, much more.

The well-researched and documented history of smut is just one of the selling points of TheClassicPorn. Of course, the biggest selling point is the dazzling vintage and classic porn stock.

Most of the sex movies recorded before the digital age will never be seen again. What is left, however, is cherished, dubbed, and passed down among the perverts, and oh.