Celeb Jihad

Celebrity Jihad WTF made me laugh. I've never been so shocked, amused, disgusted, and ultimately conflicted when reviewing a website. I know I see a lot of weird and wacky SM, but Celebrity Jihad is something completely different. Too good to be true, don't you think? Well, keep reading to find out.

Smut tied to satire.

First of all, the most important feature of CelebJihad is that it bills itself as a satire site. The authors of the site claim that the site is not a porn site, despite the fact that there are plenty of skin pictures and flicks. Never mind the hours of pornography, Celeb Jihad describes itself this way.

"CelebJihad.com is not, at least officially, a pornographic website. However, this website contains adult content, including sexually explicit images, text, audio, and video, and by browsing this website, you understand that the subject matter contained herein may involve sexual matters."

Ah, a way to get around your own nature. Blog section or no blog section, if it has pornography long enough to last a hospice patient a lifetime, it's a fucking porn site.

Anyway, the blog section is full of deep satire and opinion pieces, but to understand it you have to follow the character of the writer (or writers) who put up the blog posts, and this part of the site is actually kinda funny.

CelebJihad, as you can imagine from its name, is a "non-pornographic, porn-like site" created by Islamic fundamentalists. If you need to read this sentence again, I don't blame you; according to CelebJihad, the site was founded by Durkha Durkha Mohammed. He was presented to Christian missionaries for using camel spit for brains, then learned about the "evils" of female flesh from Islamic gurus before eventually settling down with his wife in his native Afghanistan.

But tragedy struck Durka when he found his wife reading People magazine. Horror. As a virtuous Muslim, he was obliged to stone his wife to death on the spot. He then moved to the United States and vowed to defeat the evils of Western celebrity culture by launching a celebrity gossip website and waging a digital jihad.

Allahu Akbar, that's right.

Seriously, or at least as I am, this author(s) knows how to create off-color content.

Kind of like someone I know;)

Assuming I could move this site to the blog section (more on web design later), if you scroll through the blog posts on this site, you will find exactly the kind of ranting and raving that Osama and his ilk are whining about in their caves in Afghanistan.

For example, in one article I found, reviewing the first Harry Potter film, Darka also writes about the glorification of paganism and "perverted sexuality." The author goes on to suggest that there is something lewd in the film, but also implies that the then 10-year-old Daniel Radcliffe is a very handsome man on the eve of becoming a man.

It is as if one imagines a homosexual in Pakistan getting a lap dance from Bacha Boy while he whines about how gays are overthrowing civilization.

(If you don't know what a bacha boy is, it's as fucking disgusting as it sounds.)

So yeah, the guy who runs CelebJihad really likes to tear the piss out of radical religious people, and he writes a few good jokes too.

Celebrity Gossip Column.

On the other hand, there is a lot of fucking shallow gossip that readers should take seriously. At best, it's the kind of immature stuff that 13-year-old girls talk about in middle school. At worst, some of the posts are reminiscent of the gossip magazines you find at the checkout counter of the supermarket.

Apparently, CelebJihad's disclaimer is an attempt to elevate themselves above mere digital gossip magazines.

"CelebJihad.com is a satirical website containing published rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions, fiction as well as factual information. The information on this site may or may not be true and is not intended to be taken as fact; the owners of Celeb Jihad do not guarantee the validity of any claims."

In other words, other than the occasional funny satire and some nudity (more on this later), much of the written content is not really useful, informative, funny, or sexy to read or watch.

What a waste of time.

So the bottom line is that the blog section is hit or miss, and the rest of the site is sketchy at best.

Decent basic video content...

Before I get into the video footage, let me talk about the more vanilla content on the site. Celebrities don't mind that their nudes are already on the site, so there is a lot of public domain stuff, at least by default.

For example, you can see soft-core, rough footage of Paris Hilton's second sex tape. There are also compilations of photos and videos of celebrity sex scenes, like Emilia Clarke's nude and pseudo-sex scenes from Game of Thrones.

It's not bad, but the same stuff is available elsewhere and in better quality.

Oh yeah, there are also a bunch of crappy photoshopped pictures of certain celebrities doing all kinds of dirty things. If you like decent digitally manipulated photos, you might like them, but I don't really like them.

Frankly, this kind of stuff is weak wank.

... But there is porn...

And yes, the people who follow this site are a bunch of idiots. Occasionally you may find something as interesting as a better blog post. But most of them are clearly a bunch of losers with nothing better to do, who get their kicks from scattering grammatically incomplete material all over the net and spending hours trolling each other in the comments section.

... And shitty web design.

I've already talked a bit about the web design of this site, and it's terrible.

Well, that may be an exaggeration, but the way the site is set up is very sloppy. It's easy to try to find a specific video or celebrity, but that's about the only thing that works. The layout sucks, there are no preview thumbnails, and finding quality blogs is a pain.

On top of that, every time I click on a link, the page opens in a new window and the original tab switches to a cam site or some other stupid spam.

My firewall is pretty good, so I don't have to worry about my computer getting infected. But if you only have basic malware protection, your machine is bound to get messed up after a few minutes of cruising the site.

Response to CelebJihad

Obviously, CelebJihad (often misspelled as "Celebrity Jihad," "Celebrity Jihad," or "Celebrity Hijab") is not for everyone. From what I've heard, the owner of this site is probably outside the US, and probably not even in Afghanistan.

To sum up this site.

As I said, the profane parody content is pretty funny and some of the photoshopped photos are pretty clever. If I liked this site enough, I'd encourage everyone to send samples of their posts to the ISIS Twitter page. But there are not enough interesting posts and too much shallow, gossipy crap. If you are one of those shallow assholes who likes that crap, go ahead.

Besides, the douchebag who runs this site does not self-identify as a pornographer. Then again, real porn sellers actually have real talent and hire original talent.